The art of staying in the stretch
For parents, leaders, and partners who want to nurture growth by holding tension, not by forcing outcomes.
In 2017, I wrote about Vygotsky’s Zone of Proximal Development: the space between what a learner can do alone and what they can do with the right support. Years later, I keep coming back to that idea.
The more I work with people, teams, and systems, the clearer it becomes: growth happens in the stretch zone. Not in comfort, and not in chaos.
The learning zone
In learning theory, the Zone of Proximal Development is the sweet spot between ability and aspiration, where a person reaches for something just beyond what they can do now, with guidance or structure to support them.
In leadership and systems work, Ronald Heifetz describes something similar, the zone of productive disequilibrium: change happens when tension is regulated, not removed.
Too much heat, and the system burns out. Too little, and nothing moves. Our work, as leaders, parents and partners, is to sense where that edge is, and to stay there long enough for change to take root.
A child learning a game
My five-year-old son was learning Tic-Tac-Toe. He wanted to win, but he was still finding the pattern.
Each game was a balance. If I explained too much, he lost his curiosity. If I said nothing, frustration took over.
When he sighed “I don’t want to play anymore,” it was not defiance. It was a signal that the stretch had become too much.
As parents, we often read resistance as disobedience. But it is usually feedback: the heat is too high. Our role is to adjust the support so that the next step feels both reachable and worth it.
A team member learning to think strategically
The same is true for adults. Imagine a team member who is excellent at technical work but finds strategic thinking hard. If we simply hand them a “strategy project,” the leap may feel too steep, and they may pull back. Not because they can’t, but because the gap is too wide.
Before giving someone a stretch assignment, it helps to ask:
- Where is this person starting from?
- What makes them want to stretch?
- How can the challenge feel meaningful, not like a punishment?
When growth stalls, we often blame the learner. Most of the time, it is the support around them, not the person, that needs to change. Motivation comes before transformation.
A couple, when one partner starts to change
The pattern shows up in relationships too. A couple who has been together for a long time has found a balance: roles, rhythms, strengths. Things work.
Then one partner begins to change. A new career, therapy, or simply exploring a different version of themselves. That brings tension into the system. The other partner may feel unsettled, not because they don’t care, but because the balance that held things together is shifting.
When one person grows, the other faces a choice: Will I listen with curiosity, even if it means I may need to change, too?
If both can hold that discomfort, and name what feels unsettling, the tension becomes room for growing together rather than falling apart. Handled with care, it is not a sign that something is broken. It is a sign that the system is alive.
Seeing change as a system
A child learning a game, a team member growing into a role, a couple adjusting to new versions of each other: the principle is the same. Lasting growth is relational and systemic. It happens when we sense what is emerging, regulate the heat, and stay in the conversation long enough for new patterns to form.
Impatience and control can bring quick results. They rarely bring transformation.
A question to sit with
If you are in the middle of change right now, at home, at work or within yourself, notice where the tension lives. Is it the kind that stretches you? Or has the heat risen too high for learning to continue?
The goal is not to remove the tension, but to tend it. Transformation happens in that narrow, fertile space between comfort and chaos. If that is where you are, you are not alone. That is where growth lives.
First published on Substack, October 2025.